50 Questions to Ask Before Marriage (The Ones Couples Usually Skip)
50 important questions to ask before marriage about money, kids, family, conflict, careers, and intimacy — plus how to have these talks without turning them into a fight.
You know their coffee order, their favorite movie, and exactly how they'll react if you leave a wet towel on the bed. But do you know how they feel about joint bank accounts? Or where they'd want to spend the holidays in ten years? Or how many kids — if any — they're picturing?
Many couples get engaged knowing the fun stuff and assuming the big stuff will "work itself out."
Sometimes it does. Often, it shows up later as a surprise argument about money, in-laws, or careers.
These questions aren't a test you pass or fail. They're a way to understand each other more deeply before a big commitment. The goal isn't to agree on everything — it's to know where you differ and how you'll handle it. (For lighter, playful questions, the couples quizzes in the My Love app are a fun warm-up.)
Why Ask Questions Before Marriage?
Asking questions before marriage helps you uncover expectations you might never have said out loud. Many disagreements in marriage come from assumptions — about money, roles, or the future — that neither partner realized the other didn't share.
Psychologist Julie Gottman says 69% of relationship problems are "perpetual," meaning they come from lasting personality or lifestyle differences (Greater Good Magazine). You won't solve those before the wedding. But you can learn what they are and start practicing how to talk about them.
Benefits of having these conversations early:
- Fewer surprises after the wedding
- A clearer picture of your shared future
- Practice talking about hard topics calmly
- Spotting real deal breakers before they become crises
- Feeling more confident in your decision
How to Ask These Questions Without Starting a Fight
- Don't do all 50 in one night. Pick one topic per conversation.
- Choose a relaxed setting. A walk, a long dinner, or a slow weekend morning.
- Listen to understand. You're learning, not debating.
- Take breaks if it gets heated. Come back later instead of pushing through.
- Write down what you learn. It's useful to revisit years later.
The Gottman Institute also suggests listening to each other's perspectives, avoiding arguing, taking breaks when conversations get heated, and working as a team to manage differences (The Gottman Institute).
50 Questions to Ask Before Marriage
Money and Finances
- How do you feel about joint vs separate bank accounts?
- Do you have any debt? How do you feel about it?
- What does financial security mean to you?
- Are you more of a saver or a spender?
- How should we decide on big purchases?
- How will we split bills if we earn different amounts?
- What are your biggest financial goals?
Children and Parenting
- Do you want children? If so, how many and when?
- How would you feel if we couldn't have children naturally?
- What values do you want to pass on to kids?
- How do you feel about discipline?
- Would one of us stay home, work part-time, or both work?
- How do you feel about pets as part of the family?
Family and In-Laws
- How involved do you want our families to be in our life?
- How will we handle holidays?
- What would we do if a parent needed to live with us?
- How should we handle disagreements with each other's families?
- What family traditions do you want to keep or leave behind?
Careers and Where to Live
- Where do you see your career in five years?
- Would you move for a job? Would you want me to?
- City, suburbs, or countryside?
- Rent or buy — and when?
- How do you balance work and personal time?
- How do you feel about one of us going back to school?
- MoneyAccounts, debt, spending, and shared financial goals.
- ChildrenWhether, when, and how you want to raise a family.
- FamilyIn-laws, holidays, traditions, and caregiving.
- Careers & locationWork, study, where to live, and moving.
- ConflictListening, feedback, taking breaks, and getting help.
- IntimacyAffection, changing needs, and personal space.
- ValuesBeliefs, friendships, lifestyle, and what success means.
- HomeChores, routines, and time together.
- The big pictureWhy marriage matters and the future you each imagine.
Choose one topic per conversation and revisit it as life changes.
Conflict and Communication
- How did your family handle conflict growing up?
- What do you need from me when you're upset?
- Do you need space after an argument, or to talk right away?
- How do you prefer to receive feedback?
- What's something I do that makes conflict harder?
- Would you be open to couples counseling if we needed it?
If you're not sure how to handle disagreements well, our guide on how to stop fighting in a relationship is a helpful companion to this section.
Intimacy and Affection
- How do you most like to receive affection?
- What does a healthy sex life look like to you?
- How should we talk about it if our needs change?
- How do you feel about personal space and alone time?
- What makes you feel most loved by me?
Values, Beliefs, and Lifestyle
- What role does religion or spirituality play in your life?
- Are there political or social beliefs that matter deeply to you?
- What does a good weekend look like to you?
- How much time do you want to spend with friends?
- How do you feel about drinking, smoking, or other habits?
- What does "success" mean to you in life?
Home and Daily Life
- How should we divide chores?
- Are you a morning person or a night owl?
- How tidy do you need our home to be?
- How do you like to spend evenings at home?
- How will we make time for each other when life gets busy?
If you haven't lived together yet, our guide to moving in together covers many of these day-to-day details.
The Big Picture
- Why do you want to get married?
- What do you think makes a marriage last?
- What are you most worried about in marriage?
- What do you hope our life looks like in 20 years?
What If You Disagree on a Big Question?
Disagreeing doesn't mean you shouldn't get married. It means you have something to work through. Ask yourselves:
- Is this a preference or a true deal breaker?
- Is there a compromise we can both live with?
- Can we revisit this in a year or two?
- Do we understand why this matters so much to each other?
Some differences — like whether to have children — are hard to compromise on. If you're stuck on a major issue, premarital counseling with a licensed therapist can help you talk it through honestly.
Understanding your emotional patterns helps too. Our guide to attachment styles in relationships explains why some people need closeness during hard talks while others need space.
Common Mistakes When Asking Premarital Questions
- Treating it like an interview. Keep it a conversation, not a checklist.
- Assuming you know the answer. Even long-term couples get surprised.
- Avoiding the awkward topics. Money and intimacy are often the most important.
- Expecting answers never to change. People grow — keep revisiting with a weekly relationship check-in.
- Skipping the fun. Balance serious talks with lighter ones, like these couple game questions.
Find more relationship guides on the My Love blog.
Conclusion
The right questions won't guarantee a perfect marriage. But they'll help you walk into it with your eyes open, a clearer shared vision, and practice talking about the hard stuff together.
Pick one topic this week and start there. To save your engagement and every milestone after it, download My Love on the App Store. Curious how it works? Visit the My Love FAQ.
